


Tortured, Despaired

by Mistintherain100631



Series: Re:Zero - Subaru Goes Through A Lot [1]
Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Character Death, Depression, Gen, Insanity, M/M, Minor Character Death, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, Slow Burn, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:26:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27031891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mistintherain100631/pseuds/Mistintherain100631
Summary: Subaru and his companions have been taken to a mysterious room. Faced with having his every secret revealed, can Subaru handle the overwhelming emotions the others will give him?~Summary under construction~
Relationships: Julius Juukulius | Julius Euclius/Natsuki Subaru
Series: Re:Zero - Subaru Goes Through A Lot [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1973071
Comments: 54
Kudos: 172





	1. Interface

**Author's Note:**

> Hey,  
> Mistintherain here! I am bringing another Re:zero story, except this time where the cast (almost the entirety) gets shown everything he has done for them for the sake of saving those he cared about. This is a m/m fic, so no hate. If it isn't your thing, then don't read :). Thanks for giving this a chance and I hope you enjoy! Leave comments below about your thoughts.

Subaru snapped his eyes open, feeling the pain of biting his tongue off still in his system. “I wonder what checkpoint I am starting from now?” The ceiling he was looking at was speckled with the constellations in the color of midnight blue. He sat up and looked all around him. He could see the bodies of his friends and companies from Lugunica.  _ ‘Emilia and Rem look to be okay, so we’re good on that front. But who all is here.’  _ As if on cue, people began to get up in confusion. 

“Emilia! Rem! Are you guys okay!?” Subaru called as he rushed over to them. “Do you know what happened?” 

Emilia looked up at him as she examined her gem. “No, I don’t. Last thing I remember is being inside the Sanctuary doing the Trials again. Should I try calling Puck again?” She asked, as she examined the others worriedly. 

“You can try. But I have a suspicion he won’t come out. How about we just try to figure out what is going on first?” Subaru said as he helped Emilia stand up. 

“Subaru-kun, is that you?” Rem called out, pointing to the white screen. 

He looked over and saw the screen, which had the words ‘Re:Zero - Starting Life in Another World’ and him underneath, wearing his signature track suit. “Would you look at that, it is me. I wonder what this is all about.” 

“This must be Barusu’s fault that we’re here.” Subaru jumped, shivers crawling up his spin from the fright Ram gave him. Before he could answer her, a mysterious voice answered. 

“Hello everyone. I’m sorry for displacing you all like this. But after seeing everything Subaru had to go through so far, I needed to let you all see what he has dealt with since meeting you all.” The voice spoke as the group stood up defensively. “As the memories get viewed, gradually more people will get added. When that happens, the room will expand and bring out more couches. And no, Rem, Ram, there is no way out. Not until every single one of you ungrateful f*ckers understands his pain. For now, get comfortable and be ready to watch his memories on screen.” With that the lights dimmed and couches appeared around them. 

Finally taking in everyone who was with him, Subaru realized that besides the three girls, Roswaal and Beatrice were sitting towards the back, as silent as can be. He started to take a step towards them to regroup when Rem pulled him to a soft couch with a fluffy blue blanket. “You can talk with them later. I have a feeling that it would be best to get this over with now, instead of later.” 

“Well, I guess you’re right.” Subaru said as he sat down with Emilia and Rem. Ram had decided to sit with Roswaal rather than with them, presumably because he was with them. 

As the memories began to play, all he could feel was dread over the thought of those closest to him seeing what he had gone through for them. 


	2. And The Hell Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The start of Subaru's journey begins, exposing one of the biggest secrets (not that he doesn't have a long list of secrets) that he has kept hidden from the others miraculously. How will the group react? Will they believe him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I managed to get chapter 2 out before midnight! Woohoo. I was a little unsure if I would be able to get it finished in time as I began to move today. But, I did it. So to expand on a few things first. 1) Yes, this is a Subaru/Julius fanfic. However, the relationship will start during the memories being shown to the characters. So, as of right now in the anime, Subaru still likes Emilia. I wanted to do something different with my fic, so this is one of the ways I came up with doing so. 2) The fanfic is not going to be canon compliant. The character's personalities may not be the same. I am trying to keep it as similar as possible, however, know that I might just change a few characters a bit in order to help with the flow of the story. 3) Currently, I stopped at about 13:15 into the first episode of the anime, in case anyone is following through that way. 4) I did get inspiration/inspired by 1StoryMaker with their version of the characters watching the events. So, if mine is not your flow, check theirs out! They have finished a few episodes into season 1. and finally 5) comments will be replied to in the next few days. If I haven't gotten to yours, don't worry, it is on my to do list!  
> Anyways, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed what I have written so far!

**_Previously:_ **As the memories began to play, all he could feel was dread over the thought of those closest to him seeing what he had gone through for them. 

_**Chapter 2: And The Hell Begins** _

**“This is bad… Very bad…”**

Right from the start, Subaru could feel dread building up in his stomach. _‘Were they really going to start from the_ _first_ _death?’_ The screen was hazy, spots of greens and whites fluttering across the background as subtitles popped up. 

“Eh, Subaru? Isn’t that your voice? What is going on?” Emilia asked, soft hand clutching the sleeve of his tracksuit jacket. 

“How about we wait a little bit more before demanding answers from Subaru-kun?” Rem interrupted as she brought their attentions back to the screen. 

**“Ah, I see. This is where they suck you in.”**

Both Emilia and Rem looked at Subaru, questions clear in their eyes. However, before either could begin to ask, Beatrice interrupted them. “Subaru clearly knows what’s going on, I suppose. So it may be better for us to wait to gain more information on the situation.” 

He nodded, clearly avoiding their eyes. “I promise, it’ll either get revealed through here or myself. Whichever comes first. But I will answer one question only.” 

“Well, I must admit, I am most curious about this...building that you are in at this moment in time?” Roswaal asked, finally stepping closer to the rest of the group. However, despite the airy remark, the margrave was makeupless, and held a cold look in his eyes. Subaru couldn’t withhold his shudder. 

“Ah, the store? Well some people call them MiniMarts, but most are called convenience stores. This is where people from my...country get everyday items like food and miscellaneous things.” Watching as the entire group quirked their heads at the weird term, Subaru turned back to the screen. “Let’s get back to the showing.” 

**“I’ve been summoned into a parallel world?!”**

Shrill shrieks came from each side of the room, shock adorning everyone’s features. Even Roswaal, unshaken by most news, couldn’t hide his reaction from the others. “You weren’t from Lugunica originally?” He asked the black haired teen after rushing in front of him. 

“Ahaha, not really?” Subaru chuckled nervously. “At least I don’t think so. I was originally in Japan, a country from my home world, and then all of a sudden I was in a place that I thought only existed in mangas and games.” 

Emilia was surprised as she thought back to when she had first met Subaru. “But you seemed so well adjusted to the country...I merely thought you had amnesia or bad memories of your past.” She stated as she observed his face. 

“Well you aren’t wrong. I was pretty well adjusted once I finally reached you. Some things had to happen before I could meet you and Puck.” He said while hoping that they would skip over the brutality that was seen in quick glances during that mess of confusion. 

“Well, Barusu, I see you won’t address the White Whale in the room, so I will.” ‘ _Goddamn it. Of course Ram had to speak.’_ “Was that you? You and Emilia bleeding on the ground of some shack?” 

Grimacing, he nodded. “I can’t explain.” Seeing as Rem was about to protest, he shook his head. “No, you _don’t_ understand. I cannot explain what is happening.” 

Ignoring everyone’s questions, he turned back to the screen which started to play as the room settled down again. 

**Grinning, a small girl with blonde hair giggled as she ran across the room of buildings in the town.**

All of a sudden, a new group of people popped into the room. “Felt-sama!” “Old Man Rom!” “Is everyone okay?” Shouts echoed across the theater room, which had expanded, along with the addition of more couches and blankets. 

“Felt? Rom? You guys are here?” Subaru asked after getting off of the couch. “I thought you guys were out trying to get some more people in your camp?” 

Reinhard interrupted before Felt could say anything to him. “We were, however, it appears that we got ambushed and taken here. Though for what reason, I do not know why.” 

“Welcome, Camp Felt, to a viewing of Subaru’s memories from the time he was brought into this world up until the moment before he was brought here. I am sure the first group will be able to catch you up with everything that was missed. Does anyone have questions before I leave you all?” The voice was back, now sounding a bit kinder than they were before. 

Emilia stepped forward. “How long will we be here? We have lives back in Lugunica! Surely we are being missed at this very second?” 

“This will end once everyone has seen the suffering that he has gone through. So the sooner everyone sits down and watches the screen, the sooner you all get to leave. However, an...acquaintance of mine is able to freeze time at the moments you all disappeared. Once you return, it will resume. Next?” The room broke out into chatter, as they all tried to figure out if the word of the unknown voice could be trusted. 

Beatrice looked to the corner of the room before speaking over the noise of the crowd. “Will more people get brought here, I suppose?” 

“Yes. As they appear on the screen, they will get added into the room. Unless they pose a threat to people in the here, or are mere extras, more will join later on. Now, catch Camp Felt up to speed so that the memories may continue to be shown” 

Felt looked at everyone within her group before looking at her opposition members. “So what is going on? I, for one, would like to get back home as soon as possible.” 

Subaru cheerfully swaggered over, resting an arm across Felt’s shoulders, before he started to speak. “Welp, as the _voice_ said, we are watching my memories. I may have been transported to another world and...what else am I missing…?” 

“How about the fact that you and Emilia were bleeding out across the floor for some odd reason? Despite the fact that you are both here, safe and sound?” Rem chided the taller male, who merely whistled while walking back to his spot on the couch. 

“Just pick a seat and get comfy. That’s all there is really to know.” Emilia stated as she helped the group settle in. 

“Alright, but there better not be any tricks or else.” Felt plopped down onto a bean bag chair, nearly getting absorbed into the fluffy softness of it. As Reinhard struggled to allow for his King Candidate to rely on him for help, everyone was watching the scene, Subaru mostly, with a smile on their interactions with one another. 

Once people had calmed, the whirring of the film began again. 

**“I guess I’m not quite ready to use magic…”**

Subaru could feel the blush on his face taking over. 

“Barasu was the same even back then, huh?” Ram teased while watching as he tried to disappear into the blanket. 

“I was in a new world, with no idea what was normal here.” Subaru defensively said. “All I had for reference was some mangas and animes I had watched beforehand.” 

“Mangas and anime?” Old Man Rom asked. 

“Oh, right! You guys don’t have these here.” _‘How exactly so I explain these?’_ “Imagine a book, but with more pictures with words and you have a manga. With anime, it is manga that moves on screen. Sort of like my memories being displayed here.” Subaru sighed as he thought back to all of the times he spent skipping school, just to binge some of his favourites. 

**‘I can’t read this.’**

Rem turned to stare at him. “How...can you not read that? You were speaking the language and when you arrived at the mansion, you almost mastered reading.” 

“Once again, I can’t explain what is happening at this moment. Just that everything you see is true.” Subaru said. Unbeknownst to everyone in the group, Roswaal was staring down the now mysterious teen. It appeared there was more to him than he had previously thought. 

**“I’ll have to go around collecting information first.”**

“I didn’t know that was the female restroom!” Subaru yelped as the females in the room suddenly converged onto him with glares of steel. “In my world, we had a sign that literally said ‘male’ and ‘female’ restrooms! How was I supposed to know!?” 

While this did lessen the heat of the gazes from the females, they didn’t disappear completely. 

**“And besides, if I was summoned, where’s the cute girl who summoned me?”**

“What a presumptuous statement coming from Barusu. It fits his selfish personality to a T.” As always, Ram came in with the particularly scathing comments. 

“I was naive. Also, slightly freaked out.” He looked over at the pink haired girl. “I doubt you would do any better in that situation.” 

“If my master required it, then I would do the best in any situation.” Ram was quick to deny. 

**“Move it, move it! You guys! Outta my way!”**

“Hey that’s me! But...I don’t remember any of this happening.” Felt said as she observed Subaru’s situation. 

“Are you sure? I can't imagine Subaru making up a girl who looks exactly like you before meeting you.” Reinhard asked. 

**“That’s the first time I ever hit someone! I didn’t expect it to hurt** **_me_ ** **that much...”**

“You had never punched anyone before?” Reinhard asked. “But when I looked over the musculature of your body, you had some strength hidden in there. Where did they come from?” 

“”Well…” Subaru trailed off while he thought of how best to phrase his, ahem, practice times to his friends and companions. “I would occasionally exercise with my dad. And do sword swings in the backyard. It wasn’t too often though.” 

“So you don’t work out in order to maintain survival in your universe?” Emilia said as she took a look at her friend’s physique.

“Not really. It was mostly to stave off unhealthy weight gain. Man, on top of being a shut in, my parents would be even more disappointed in me for not keeping myself healthy.” Although Subaru laughed, he was beginning to feel uncomfortable with the weight of everyone’s glances. 

**“I’m sorry! It was all my fault! Forgive me! Spare me!”**

“This is more like Subaru, I suppose. It seemed so odd to see him as brash as he was against the criminals.” Beatrice remarked, as she continued to ‘read’ her book. No one was going to tell her that the title was upside down. Subaru could feel the phantom ache of her past brash tantrums on his back well up again. 

**“Stop now, and I’ll let this slide.”**

“What is this? I...never said anything like this to anyone.” Emilia said, staring at the memory confused. 

There was no reply.

**“If you asked me if I had a connection to him, I’d have to say no.”**

“How harsh to state that in front of a helpless man.” Rem clutched Subaru’s hand as she felt the half moons he was digging into his palms. 

“Since it is addressing a useless man, it only serves to remind him of his place. Already we have seen what excess pain his ego has caused him already.” The pink haired twin responded. 

**“But regardless of that...I can’t overlook what’s going on here.”**

“Would I have really left you behind?” Emilia appeared to look guilty. “Would I? Is that something I would do?” 

“Ah, Emilia! No you wouldn’t have! In fact you couldn’t leave me until you dealt with those men.” Subaru yelled out before he allowed Emilia to feel more guilt towards him than she already had. 

**“Do something to her, and I’ll haunt you and your kin forever. Not that you’ll have any kin if I do that.”**

“Puck would have definitely done that, I suppose.” Beatrice said as she looked at the cat spirit with hearts in her eyes. It was easy to see the love she felt towards Emilia’s spirit. 

The half elf was also staring at her spirit. “He has done that before. Someone was following me, I think. Next thing I know, the stalker was screaming as he was running away.” She smiled as she thought back to the memory. “Puck never said anything about it specifically. Only cackled away.”

**“See? You averted your eyes because you have a guilty conscience!”**

“I know. Don’t say anything.” Subaru groaned. “Gods I was such a dumbass during this.” 

“Why were you looking away?” The white haired king candidate seemed to glow with innocence, making it difficult for anyone to tell her the truth behind his reaction. 

“Puberty seems to hit the youth, younger and younger these days.” Roswaal practically had devil horns sprouting out of his head as he silently laughed at Subaru. 

**“You know who stole my insignia from me, don’t you?”**

“To be fair, even if he did, would he be able to respond after getting absolutely demolished in the fight?” Old Man Rom asked, finally speaking up. “When I was a youngin’, usually gettin’ beat up like that meant someone wasn’t gonna get up for a while.” 

Subaru could practically feel the pity wafting off of the giant, though it didn’t matter. “I wish you were like this in the current run. It would have been a better fit then what I had...meet with.” Although the people present were confused, he didn’t specify what he meant. 

**“He won’t die. We’ll just leave him.”**

“It’s nice to see Emilia not being so naive towards men, huh?” Ram asked as she awaited her reply. 

Emilia pouted, clearly unhappy with the current situation on the screen. “But I seem so mean! How could I leave him on the ground after being attacked like that!”

“And I guess we are going to gloss over his inner thoughts, I supposed?” Beatrice cut in before an argument could begin. 

“You guys don’t have any pity, huh?” Subaru groaned as he tried to make up an excuse for his actions. “I...was merely taken aback by her beauty. People like..well, all of you, aren’t seen in my world. At least not naturally.” 

“Hmph, there is still no reason to explain away your dirty thoughts.” Of course Rem had to jump in with the teasing. 

_‘Is it too late to wish for the clingy, lovey Rem back? Or even the obsessive version?’_ The black haired teen cried out mentally. Sadly, his wishes were for naught as the females continued before turning back to the screen. 

**“I didn’t know cute girls were this hairy...Wait, that can’t be right!”**

“No shame, eh Subaru?” Reinhard asked. 

The only answer was a low whimper from the teen. 

**“Don’t get the wrong idea.”**

“Emilia was so cold, but she melted my heart when I first meet her..but I knew she was secretly nice!” Subaru gushed. 

“Disgusting.” Ram remarked. 

“Subaru! Don’t say such things!” Emilia was turning into a lobster from embarrassment. “People might get the wrong idea!”

“People already have the wrong idea just from interacting with him.” Ram was quick to target the heartsick man as he fawned for the half-elf in front of her. 

“Hey! I’m not always that weird!” Subaru shouted. “Only when Emilia-tan does things that make my heart go vaboom-vaboom.” 

Sadly, all he got in return was cautious glances from those around him. 

**“For such a normal favor, you’re making it sound like I really owe you big.”**

“It is clear that Subaru-kun didn’t realize how big this is in our world. Do you know why she was like that?” Rem asked. 

“Not really. I just thought that was her personality at the time!” The shut-in laughed. 

Roswaal stopped anyone else from answering the blue haired girl’s unspoken question. “Well, maybe young Suabru will realize the difference as we go through his memories.” 

**“Anyone who lives like that...is gonna end up wasting their whole life!”**

“How will that make me waste my life?” Emilia was confused, as she had never heard anyone speak like that towards her. “Isn’t this what most people do?” 

Subaru clucked his tongue as he thought of how to phrase his thoughts at the time. “It isn’t so much that people don’t do this. I think that I was astounded by the amount of kindness that this version of you showed me. I wanted to stop you from losing something that you desperately were searching for as a result of helping me.” Looking at the white-haired girl, it was clear she didn’t understand what he meant. “Think of it like this, if you always expel your energy on others without accepting theirs, you won’t be able to profit in any way that is beneficial for yourself.” 

“That...was almost sensible, coming from an idiot like you I suppose.” Beatrice uttered as she glanced over at Subaru. 

**“I’m going to help you for my own sake, too.”**

Ram began to badger Subaru for his bold statement. “What a way to force a defenseless girl into accepting your help.” 

“Defensiveness? Hah? Have you not seen her magic? If she wanted to, she could kill me right this second.” Subaru held a look of disbelief on his face as he listened to Ram’s words. _‘Not that it would work. Probably.’_

A buzz rang out above them, making the movie screen disappear and a table full of food and drinks appear. 

“Subaru, I have brought food from your home country for everyone to enjoy as you all take a break. Answer their questions about the cuisine. I would suggest discussing everything that you had seen with one another to prevent discourse among you all as the viewings proceed.” The voice chimed in before a rowdier argument could break out. 

“Food from Japan! All right!” He yelled out as he glanced over the table.

~ To be continued ~


	3. Conversations Begin and Questions arise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Subaru and the crew talk about what happened try to see what else may come in his memories.

After having settled in and explained all of the foods to the group, people started to eat until their bellies were full and satisfied. 

“So, who is gonna start? With the questions I mean.” Subaru asked as he looked around the room. No one spoke up right away. 

“Why were you brought here?” Roswaal watched the black haired teen as he scratched his head. 

“I...don’t know. And I don’t think I’ll ever learn. Not after everything I have gone through.” Subaru could see the confusion that began to swell. “But I haven’t really wanted to go back, not when I found the key to my heart!” 

Ram appeared in his face all of a sudden, eyes serious as she began to drill him for his answers.“So you were just brought here all of a sudden? With no warning? Seems a little suspicious...” 

“Technically, it wasn’t without preparation. My world has a lot of...literature dealing with getting transported to another world. And the details in it differ too! So I wasn’t too terribly off. Well…” Subaru laughs. “Besides having money, food, or even someone to rely on at first.” 

“Was all of that something that actually happened? Me meeting you like that? And..sounding so brash?” Emilia asked. 

“It sounds a little crazy, but yes.” Subaru winced as he thought back to the first loop. “The closest thing I can get to with explaining it is that we will meet again for the first time.” 

“The first time?” 

“Don’t even ask. Just don’t” 

Felt jumped up, slamming her hands on the table as she went. “There is no way I met you like that! When we first met, it was when you were creeping on my home! What is with that?” 

“And us too!” Ton, Chin, and Kan cried out simultaneously. 

Backing away from the temperamental camp, Subaru tried to speak above the group who was starting the evil eyes again. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! I wasn’t creeping on your home! I was seeing if you were there as I was searching for you! It’s not my fault you don’t have locks there!” 

“What are locks?” Reinhard asked as he pulled Felt down from the table she was beginning to step upon. 

“It’s like magic to keep someone out of a place.” Looking over the crowd of people around him, he zoned in one the small contract spirit. “Like how Beatrice is able to allow people into her library sometimes, while there are moments when it doesn’t appear.” 

“So people without magic are able to use it?” Emilia cut in as her eyes began to sparkle with the discovery of new information from Subaru. “At all times of the day?” 

Subaru began to nod until he remembered the fact that magic wasn’t something that people had access to in his hometown. “On Earth, well Japan specifically, people don’t have magic powers. That kind of stuff only existed in books and stuff.” 

“People on this….Earth can’t use magic at all? How….curious…” Roswaal whispered, merely drawing a curious glance from Ram who had returned to his side after asking Subaru her question.

“I am glad that you all have had your questions answered as best as Suabru can do with his circumstance. But in order to prevent any confusion that is building to become negative, I must stop your conversations here. Let us return to the showing.” The voice silenced everyone as the room went back into the theater that it had become upon the arrival of the groups. 

Sighing as he trudged to the group couch, Subaru sunk into the cushions. “How long will this go on? Up until what point will they see?” He asked as his eyes closed against the dimmed lights of the room. 

“Until they see everything. Every action you had to take in order to protect them. Everything that you had suffered through.” It replied as the room grew dark and the screen turned on. “However, when you want to be taken out of the room, I will do so. But only until the conversation about what was previously seen begins.” 

Wincing at the protests that echoed across the room, he groaned. “I may have to pass for now on that. We’ll see.” 

“I hope you are sure. It will only get worse from this point on..” 

And with that, the memory started back up, bringing the room to silence as everyone stared attentively at the screen. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, before anyone says anything, yes this chapter is a little short. well really short I...ran out of time to continue with episode 1 but I also wanted to include some conversations between the characters outside of the little bits shown from within the anime. This will allow for the characters to learn more about Subaru, because they don't really know anything about him. Like at all. So this is where I introduce these details. If I finish it in time, I will try to get two chapters out next Sunday. But no promises. However, I do have a question for you guys. Would you prefer shorter chapters weekly, (I'll try not to do less than 2,000 words) or longer chapters every 2 weeks? If it is weekly, the book will get extended and every other week the chapter will just be about the conversations the characters will have. With every 2 weeks, it will be part of an episode and then the conversation the characters will have. Let me know!  
> Thanks for reading and leave your thoughts in the comments below!  
> Happy reading!


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